Thursday, October 28, 2010

Everybody Has A Price...Mine Just So Happens To Be Really Cheap.

Hello, Mes Amis.

Okay, my previous entry I established how not to court me for future advertising opportunities.  Now I'd like list ten things that I'd happily shill for.

So, without further ado, here's DAVE'S TOP TEN THINGS HE'D PIMP OUT FOR IN A SECOND:
  1. Good Movies  If you come to me with a decent film project I will flog it without mercy.  As a corollary, any motion picture involving the presence of Jennifer Aniston, a talking pet or a Saturday Night Live character spun out to feature length need not apply.  Also, as much as it pains me to say so, I will no longer be mentioning Star Wars anymore.  It's not that George Lucas raped my childhood, but he did invite it inside Skywalker Ranch with promises of candy and touched it in it's Danger Zone. 
  2. Good Music  If your band or album doesn't suck, I will gladly shout your praises from the rooftops.  In fact, I'm so desperate for good music lately, I'm willing to promote you even if your music is merely  semi-distinguishable from everything else.  Also, to save us both some time, please note that your music will likely have no resonance with me if you're under the age of twenty.  What life lessons can I possibly glean from the lyrics of some snot-nosed kid who's cubes haven't even dropped yet?  Mark my words, in a few years some enterprising obstetrician/budding manager is gonna get rich by filming a still-in-utero video featuring a fetus with a comb-forward CGI hairdo lip-syncing inane lyrics to a dance track.  I'm tellin' ya, it's money. 
  3. Good Television  Next month I was planning on doing a blog series on television, so for all you folks playing along at home: here's a sneak preview!  About four years ago I was blissfully snobby about the state of television and seemed perfectly content to write off the entire medium as a colossal waste of time.  Then this jackass I was working with at the time had the audacity to give me the first season of The Shield.  In light of this revelatory viewing, a whole new world chock-a-block with entertainment value opened up to me.  Entourage, Dexter, Freaks and Geeks, Battlestar Galactica, The Tudors, Supernatural, Mad Men, and Veronica Mars blew me away in quick successionEach episode is produced with the sensibilities of a mini feature film and not one of them involve tattooed orange people excusing the most reprehensible human behavior you can imaging with the mantra "Hey, you wouldn't understand, it's a 'Jersey' thing!"
  4. Good Video Games  Video games have come a long way since their inception.  I have to credit early designers with coming up with inventive attempts at something passing for a game just to try and offset the crude graphical tools they had to work with.  But now, the visuals are so amazingly sophisticated that the best (like the Halo, Gears of War, Brother in Arms, Left 4 Dead, or Half-Life series) play out like interactive films.  Which is why, in my humble estimation, even at their worst, video games will always be superior to homogenized, crappy network television.  After all., with television, unless it's something really engaging or enriching, you're typically just sitting there inert, slowly being spoon-fed pablum-flavored entertainment, your brain getting fatter than Homer Simpson during the ironic punishment doughnut eating nightmare in Hell.  At least with video games, you're not quite so damned...passive.
  5. Good Books  Have you ever heard the quote: "Yeah, the movie was okay, but the book was w-a-a-a-a-a-a-y better?"  Well, there's a reason for that: a wealth of additional details, the benefit of descriptive language, the power of imagination, and the author's freedom to do whatever he or she damn well pleases.  In the immortal words of Stephen King: "A day without a book is like a day without sunshine!"  Hmmmm, you'd think he'd be more of "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" kinda guy...                         
  6. Good Board Games   Hey, I've already done an entire treatise on why I prefer board games over video games but this bears repeating: sometimes you just want to teabag an opponent in person.
  7. Good Radio Stations  Only within the last month or so did the city of Halifax get a modern rock radio station worth crowing about.  "Live 105" is a virtual godsend in this city, which has suffered under the yoke of "classic" rock  for the past fifteen years.   Up until "Live 105" arrived on the scene the situation was pretty grim.  "C-100" propagated nothing but non-threatening manufactured pop product, "89.9 HAL FM" and "Q-104" were designed for people who are laboring under the erroneous belief that rock attained perfection in 1975 and "Kool 96.5" (wow, there's never been a more ironic name for a radio station, by the way) is a viable promotional tool for artists that are either all completely irrelevant, defunct or deceased.  And although "Live 105" is already starting to cheese me off a bit with their definition of "heavy rotation" at least I'm getting sick of songs produced in the last fifteen to twenty years.  Here's the link if you wanna give 'em a spin:
  8. Good Comics It's kinda sad that this amazing medium has been ghettoized for so long.  It really doesn't  deserve to be written off as something just for kids.  In some ways, comics are a superior art form to both film and standard novels.  It gives a cool visual component, but unlike film it isn't so fleeting.  The Egyptians certainly thought it was a pretty solid way to tell a story; after all what are hieroglyphics other than panels of an ancient funny book?  I really do believe that titles such as Sin City, Bone, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Sandman, Watchmen, Preacher, The Walking Dead, From Hell, V for Vendetta and The Dark Knight Returns are all just as valid as works of literature as Ulysses and Atlas Shrugged.  
  9. Good Beer  I had a bit of a struggle not to mention this one first, for fear of looking like a raging alcoholic, but I can't hold off any longer.  When I was in university, I always thought I hated beer abd eventually I learned to tolerate it.  Then, in a tremendous moment of epiphany, I tried a micro-brewed beer offered here in Halifax at the Henry House pub called "Old Peculiar".  I've never looked back since.  Guinness, Harp, Murphy's, Kilkenny, Smithwicks, Sapporo, Stella Artois, Hoegaarden and Innes and Gunn have all joined the ranks of my favorite beers.  Please take note of the conspicuous absence of Coors Lite, a beer for people who don't like the taste of beer, or Bud Lite Lime, the makers of which seem to be admit "Yeah, our crappy beer comes pre-skunky, so we're just gonna use some unnatural lime flavor to cover it up."  *Bleah*        
  10. Grey Poupon  "Oh my God, if your makin' a toiky sammich, put a little bit of mayo on one side, slap on your toiky, get some fresh lettuce and a coupla slices of foim, ripe tomaita.  Then for a bit a zip, spread a bit a dis stuff on ''s like buttah!  It makes your sammich right poiky!"  Seriously, I'd put this stuff on toast for breakfast if I didn't so many weird looks from people.
So, if you think your represent one of the aforementioned products, contact me as soon as possible.  After all, by advertising on "You Can't Get There From Here" you'll may very possibly be able to reach literally dozens of readers.

EPIC:  Awww, who am I kiddin'?  Here, this should keep you busy for a bit.  Don't don't too freaky-deaky  with the mustard, tho...
Fight Club (10th Anniversary Edition) [Blu-ray]Infinite Arms [+digital booklet]Brothers in Arms: Hell's HighwayThe Shield: Season OneNineteen Eighty-Four
DungeonQuestJohnny The Homicidal Maniac: Director's CutGuinness Pub Glasses, Set of 4Grey Poupon Dijon Mustard with White Wine - 8 oz Glass Jar

FAIL: Sweet Jesus, can someone make Will and Jada Smith stop breeding already?

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