Friday, February 7, 2014

Top Five Lamest Rock Song References

Aloha, Audio-Philes!

In order to effectively horrify authority figures and inspire feelings of genuine rebellion, good rock songs really need to reference some if not all of the following things:
  1. Sex.
  2. Mind-Altering Substances.
  3. Overt Weirdness.
  4. Justified or Unjustified Rage. 
  5. Crushing Despair / Loneliness / Unfulfilled Longing / Angst / Ennui. 
  6. Sex.
  7. Genghis Khan, Cthulhu, crazed robots, dragons, poems by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Satan or some other Cool, Deep, Dark Shit.
  8. Partying Like It's On Sale For $19.99.
  9. Sex.
  10. Sex.
In spite of these no-brainer pre-requisites, more then a few musicians have plumbed the depths of incongruous or decidedly-uncool subject matter, resulting in some of the lamest "rock" "songs" in music history.

So, I give to you:

The Top Five Lamest Rock Song References

(5) Name-Dropping Someone With More Talent Then You  Word to the wise: if your breathy, falsetto warbling and limited range showcases a complete and total absence of vocal power (which is then further whitewashed by hideous levels of overproduction), then you might not want to draw attention to your shortcomings by repeatedly reminding listeners that there's infinitely more talented vocalists out there that they should be listening to.

(4)  Mentioning Any God That Isn't Mythological  The phrase "Christian Rock" is an oxymoron. If you think that listening to music that sounds like a Nickelodeon show's theme song makes you some sort of rebel, then your halo's on too tight.

Remember kids: if your parents are cool with it, then there's a very high probability that your musical selection probably sucks.

The really funny thing about dudes like Scott Stapp from Creed or Russ Lee from NewSong is that they usually employ this ridiculous, "HA-RUM-DE-HEY", walking gonad vocal style which is clearly designed to tell every girl within earshot that he won't hesitate to put the blocks to her back at his hotel room at the Best Western next to the Wingy Manone Memorial Speedway.

Unless, of course, you're one of those pure-as-the-driven-snow members of Stryper.

Honestly, is there anything lamer and less rock n' roll then the willfully and active pursuit of virginity? Thanks, Stryper for giving us this ear-splitting, tone-deaf ode to a mid-life crisis.

Please note, Jesus is completely exempt from this rule because:
  1. He's an only child.
  2. He's got amazing mechanical aptitude.  
  3. He gave us some of our best rock-star poses
  4. He hates televangelists
  5. I mean, he really, really hates televangelists
  6. He's a pretty chill dude
  7. He's got no time for hypocrisy
  8. He's WAY COOL.
  9. He can bust out more awesome party tricks then David Blaine. 
  10. He's willing to spot a brotha when he's down. 
Speaking of being broke... 

(3) Personal Finances  We've all got bills to pay so the last thing I wanna hear when I turn on the radio is some band's lead singer whinging about his bank balance. Sorry, but references to "saving money", "market losses", "pension funds", "bad investments", "taxes" and "overdrawn accounts" is about as rock n' roll as an episode of The Lang and O'Leary Exchange.

Obviously you didn't get the memo, Passion Pit, so here goes: the primary duty of rock stars is to provide escapism for the average shmoe, not rub our nose in the bleak and boring drudgery of having to get by every day. Little wonder this video starts the way it does; you'll want to lie down in the street too after listening to this crap.

Get the off the stage, you morose motherf#@kers!  

(2) Sports  True rock stars derive exercise from only two sources: groupie shagging and/or on-stage scissor kicks. Sorry, but sports goes with rock n' roll about as well as Cheez Whiz and Lucky Charms.

In addition to providing incentive for meathead jocks to chest-bump one another, these boring, cliche-ridden anthemic pieces of shite also give failed-athlete parents a soundtrack to live vicariously through their put-upon kids, some of whom couldn't give a flying f#@k about sports.

Now, although I'm not the biggest fan of Tom Cochrane's "Big League", I have to respect the fact that he wrote the song about a real-life Canadian kid who was killed in a car accident just prior to starting what might have been an amazing NHL career. This grim, underlying subject matter still doesn't prevent hordes of slack-jawed troglodytes from using the song as warm-up music before minor league hockey games. F#@king idiots.

(1) Scholastic Achievement  Look, unless you're suggesting a radical, rock-based curriculum change,  admiring an educator's aesthetic value, reveling in a temporary, seasonal-based hiatus, or just advocating wanton cruelty, bands should never, ever talk about school. Especially not in a positive light. And this is coming from a former honor student.

Hey, I might be a geek, but I'm no nerd.

And bands should never, ever boast about "doing alright", "gettin' good grades" or destinies so luminescent that they require the use of ultra-violet ophthalmological protective devices.

This song has to be the dweebiest daily affirmation ever recorded. It's like the musical equivalent of that cocky, gel-haired Principal's son in High School who wore Hawaiian shirts and neon-framed sunglasses. Indeed, if a song can ever be characterized as "douchey", this is it. 

I swear, just as soon as I'm named Emperor, I'm gonna wipe this tinny, sickeningly-optimistic, drum-machine-driven audio abortion right out of existence. Then I'm gonna find out what decrepit trailer park the lead singer lives in and jam that f#@king harmonica right up his ass.  

Equally sinful is this mock-cock-rock piece of dreck from back in 1985 by even-aging-way-back-then southern songsters .38 Special. 

Since, from my own personal experience, only about 20% of educators are worth crooning about and the rest are dead-eyed, soulless, unimaginative basket cases, this song really, really pisses me off. Just check out some of these incredibly tripe lyrics:

Teacher, teacher can you teach me?
Can you tell me all I need to know?
Teacher, teacher can you reach me?
Or will I fall when you let me go? Oh, no!

Am I ready for the real world? Will I pass the test?
You know it's a jungle out there.
Ain't nothin' gonna stop me, I won't be second best!
But the joke's on those who believe the system's fair, oh yeah!

Sorry, but whatever "kid" is singing these lyrics really need to chill the f#@k out, go back behind the bleachers and smoke a doob with the bangers.

By crafting this battle-hymn for teacher's pets everywhere, I can't help but wonder if song-writers Jim Vallance and Bryan Adams ("Ah, I belief dat ve haff found zee source of zee suckage!") used to sit in the front row of math class, stick their arms up every five seconds and shout "Ooo, OoOOO!  Is this gonna to be on the test, Mr. Pommelhorse, sir?"

Every one of these references needs be placed in a permanent state of detention, post haste.  

EPIC MUSE:  "Jesus Is Just Alright" with me.

EPIC SUMMARY:  "I tell you whut..."

HOW TO MAKE AN EPIC FAIL FAIL-IER: Three-to-one odds says that she'll have a pay-to-watch webcam service by the time she hits her mid-twenties...

FAILED CONNECTION: "Funny thing is, Jesus told me that he only talked to you like once back in High School, so, y'know the whole 'friends' thing is probably a bit of a stretch."